http://mistful.livejournal.com/50765.html
Not mine! Got this link from Norringtom! :D Funny LotR (RotK) dialogue! It made me laugh at a pretty depressing hour of the night, hehehe! :D
GOLLUM: Precious. Fat hobbit. Precious. Fat hobbit. Yin/yang, secrets of the universe, inherent opposites and contradictions in war between good and evil... all basically boils down to - Precious. Fat hobbit.
FRODO: I suppose in many lights, and especially considering the fact we've been on starvation rations a while, Sam is rather chunky.
THEODEN: Let's all go and get utterly slaughtered, lads!
ROHIRRIM: *inexplicably do not all desert. Twice.*
(*pictures Eomer's days as king.*)
EOMER: Let us now have peace and plenty in the fields.
ROHIRRIM: No! Want to wallow in own blood!
EOMER: But... look, Sauron's been defeated... everything's fine...
ROHIRRIM: Everything's fine? Theoden never said stuff like that to us. Call yourself a king. Look, let's fight Gondor, we always hated those bastards anyway. Can't think why we went to their aid. Except for the fact that our inevitable deaths appealed to us. Man, those were the days.
EOMER: We have a sworn alliance with Gondor.
ROHIRRIM: Yap yap yap, horse boy. Man, where's Eowyn? At least she was hot.
EOMER: She married the Steward of Gondor!
ROHIRRIM: You see? You see, those Gondorian bastards nick everything good off us!
EOMER: Sigh.
ROHIRRIM: How about that elf, you know the one, Leggy, could be mistaken for Eowyn on an overcast day, also likes to gaze wistfully off into the distance atop our fortress? Let's keep the elf instead.
EOMER: We cannot abduct the elf prince of Mirkwood, that would mean war!
ROHIRRIM: Score! Death, death, death, death!
EOMER: Me and my big fat mouth.
SAM: Frodo's big death scene turned out to be an ill-timed rendition of his famous Egyptian Mummy act. Unimpressed, Mister Frodo, very unimpressed.
SAM: Now I'm all hot and I've seen Frodo half naked and carried him around and we're all squidged up and dirty on this rock... I want to marry Rosie Cotton.
NON-READING-LOTR AUDIENCE: Who the bloody hell...?
FRODO: Hold me Sam, you manly manly hunk of hobbit, hold me hard.
SAM: Heh heh heh. Playing hard to get worked like a charm, just like my old gaffer said.
PIPPIN: Decades of ruling Gondor, Denethor, decades, and you still don't learn table manners? Sheesh. Man, I miss Merry. Merry was dainty and used embroidered table napkins.
FARAMIR: Half killed, making stupid battle decisions, covered in oil, deprived of romance, unloved by father... have I still not paid for the bastardisation of my character?
AUDIENCE: No. No, not yet. Carry on.
ARAGORN: Look, I know the elven alliance is important, but am I really supposed to marry Legolas? Well, I must admit he is very shiny.
GIMLI: ISN'T THE FACT THAT I AM SHORT AND VERY HAIRY FUNNY ENOUGH? JEEZ, YOU *PEOPLE*!
Can you just imagine the elven table at the wedding? Imagine Arwen's poor elven bridesmaids trying to get off with the best man.
LEGOLAS: The sky is... blue. The trees are... green.
BRIDESMAID: God, it's lucky that you're pretty.
LEGOLAS: Also... a prince.
BRIDESMAID: Seriously, what is up with those portentous pauses?
LEGOLAS: Obscure elven... speech impediment.
BRIDESMAID: You poor, retarded lad. Come here and let me lick you better all over.
EOWYN (stopping by): I think you're wasting your time there. The boy is as fey as they come. Look at his tiara.
BRIDESMAID: Oh no, he is an elven prince from the bad side of the tracks, which is hot. Also, for an elf, he is bursting with testosterone.
EOWYN: Say what?
BRIDESMAID: Well, he went around wearing sensible worn brown for months, which would have sent Elrond into galloping consumption. He ended up with smudges on his cheeks and his hair braided in a practical fashion. When Haldir saw it he was all 'You have let yourself go, man. Sad, sad, sad. This hurts me more than being axed.' So... yeah... rebellious prince, living rough, all filthy and warriory... He is the Uber Aragorn of Elves.
EOWYN: You interest me strangely.
BRIDESMAID: Not the brightest, but he sure can kill an oliphant.
EOWYN: You know, that's a valuable life skill.
LEGOLAS: I am... about to get lucky.
